I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
