end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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