I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
