I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
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