Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
