His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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