Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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