I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
