He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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