Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I could make wine with my vomit
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
