I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
