i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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