the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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