All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I believe in your delicious
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
