between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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