you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
