Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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