My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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