I threw up into my coffee this morning.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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