Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
