You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Randomize
