You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Randomize
