she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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