If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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