I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
she told me i tasted like america
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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