I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
