Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
