smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
