look no pants
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
