I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
