I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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