you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
