im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize