Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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