By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
