is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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