Too much gin, very little bucket
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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