"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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