He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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