Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
