I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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