i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize