I puked a lego.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Did I show you my penis last night?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
So vagazzling was a success
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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