Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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