We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
