I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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