Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
one might say we're banned from that church
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
