There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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