his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
