Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Randomize
