Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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