he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
