I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
