Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
