Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
