Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
